Fear as Friend

I am sitting in the MCI airport just waiting to board my plane headed for Houston. My mother is standing outside the glass walls, looking in. There is a weird feeling of the waiting area, like a holding cell. As if this is a sort of purgatory between traveling and staying in place. The man stands out and calls to us and we follow like cattle to the trough. Eyes dart around as the zones are called. The ones in the last zones stand up first, and vice versa. As I hear my group called I nonchalantly but quickly walk towards the man to check my baggage. Another man hurriedly attempts to be first, but makes eye-contact with me and gives up his spot. Walking into the tunnel, I take one last look at my mother and head off. Ready to begin my next journey.  

Entering into the plane is like any other from Kansas City; small, tight, and full of slightly anxious feeling and vibration. I wander into my seat and sit down, tight. An announcement comes on, "Do not charge or use your Galaxy Note 7 if you have one, due to explosion problems." I realize that I have a Samsung, but I don't have any clues if it is a Note 7 (I found out it is a Galaxy). My anxiety rises. Not only because of possible explosions, it has been building since I began packing. Possibly the anxiety comes from my most recent international experience. One of the first times in my life that I have ever been truly, internally scared. Concerned for my well-being. Possibly unable to contact anyone in my life and not knowing how I would return home. It was frightening. I cost myself half a grand because of that fear. While trying to save money and a few days I ended up owing money and not really receiving those days back and having an ultimately negative experience.  

The fear may have gotten to me. It rooted itself in my consciousness as something that I have to deal with. A true bout with fear. Although it has culminated into my current state of anxiousness. The nervousness entices me. Makes me feel more alive. Forces me to be courageous and face what could happen. As I drift to sleep on this plane I have one of those revelations that only a sleep-hungry me can have. A realization that this year was always about fear. How to put myself in a situation that I desperately desire, while handling the fear that comes when you chase dreams. Learning how not to be a victim of my surroundings, but not attempting to be the master either. Rather, being the master of myself within the surroundings that clearly attempt to victimize me. I have a choice: let the external fear control me, or control my own path and become someone I truly respect.

 This leg of the trip will be all about mastering myself. My emotions within the moment. My internal while the external is unlike what I would wish. I'm excited to see where all of this leads me, but even more excited to see where I will end