I'm somewhere else. I've been in the mountains for the last few months. My mind has been in the sky, sucking up that arid and lacking southwestern air. Every opportunity I get and my eyes flip to the mountains. I do a sort of channel surfing through the repository of images in my head and stick to one. I imagine running up the mountain, scrambling up fields of scree and clipping in to rocks while only being held up by ropes I tied with my own hands.
It's difficult being in a different place for so long. Being split in two and occupying two spaces at the same time. But rather than the exhilarating roar of a sudden passion and the accompanying crash into the past, this time I feel a slow hum. Even when I am not actively thinking and dreaming I can feel landscapes drift through and flutter out. My legs transport me to another space when I walk and my eyes glaze over into a dream; but the gaze of the dream stays fixed and rooted, passionate and present. Maybe not present in the way that I notice what is going on outside of me, but I fully know every tick that happens inside.
The hum grows every day. It is like moving toward a waterfall. There is no containing the excitement and beauty that I already live with every single moment. I imagine this is how and druggie at the height of ecstasy must feel. Alive and free and ready and calm. I am anxious but know that I will end up where I need to be, regardless of whether or not I make the right decisions. I know this because I don't have to work at it. I am never struggling to maintain this passion because it seems to maintain me, even the idea of the dirt and rock and sand and stars.
I sit in my dark room and close my eyes and see the Milky Way and the breath of wind still hot from the scorching sun. I drift into a sleep and awake the next day, dreaming about boiling water from a small stove over a tight fire and hand grinding my coffee beans and pouring my coffee into a titanium mug. I live in this other world, the one I will be in soon, and yet I feel fully present in the one I am in, because they are both the same.